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Sessions
Sessions 15.09.1993

LUDMILA Nr. 1      September 15th 1993
I come and I have pain in my heart and there are turbulences that start to become active around it. They find a way out. The stream in a curve and then through the left arm Something is pulling the pain through this way out like rays and very determined. (Fig. 1) But "before that there is just the pain in the heart. Then my hands and feet start cramping and turning inside as if they were searching for something stable. A sailor "but without the ship. Fear - as if the ground might disappear. The feet try to ground onto a "black ball, which made me realize the fear to just fall, to allow myself to fall, let myself fall. I felt - I have no ground and my hands can't do anything about it. (fig. 1) Then, once the stream of pain had been organized in a way out, my hands and feet started to unclamp and felt open, the energy running through them, felt like beefing grounded.
2-nd: how arms and hands started to become very warm and were like filled with air, they puffed up, felt much bigger than usual and burning with energy. They felt powerful, I could have melted rejoicing, an intense feeling of exultation. My hands started pulsating, they grew into gigantic dimensions and felt ready to do something. The air around them seemed like material, active shape as an inverse of what my hands were just shaping, (fig. 2)I saw a shining white elephant moving by. My mouth starts to open and like on an old Giotto freco envy speaks out and I feel ashamed, angry of the possessions of the others. I realized these emotion and could let go of it and felt very happy.
3-rd: Air starts pressuring against my hands and activates the space that is the inverse part of a sculpture, like positive and negative are becoming equal. I'm realizing that I'm now having a lesson about a philosophical topic. Figure-ground1, being - non-being, etc. Air is so sweet and becomes active in innumerous little bubbles, starts tickling and reaches into the space between my arms like a pleasant cushion that’ll makes me feel comfortable in the state of heart pain. Air like joyful clouds and again I want to rejoice: because no longer do I have to be cramped, I can let go and fall into this air, which is supporting me, (fig. 3)
- Now I see the regular form which is crutches people use if they can't walk well.   (Also within fig. 3) How I want to fall because there is no nothing, I can fall, because there is no difference between me and "air". In a more radical way I saw the image where I'm just a shape that has been cut out, an empty nothing-shape, but the shape of me and air that allows to define my shape. The reverse of the common experience: I was in the role which "air" usually plays for us. And I was able to realize all this at the same time.
The air became so powerful that my arms nearly became wings, they wanted to stretch like them - great happiness.

2 - L.  Nr. 1 - 15.9.1993
My stiffness was blown away and I was carried by these cushions of bubble-air. And I thought, there is no fear in the world, if the air carries or supports you, which is, if you are in report with your environment, if you understand it. If you can let go and fall, your biggest trouble will become your biggest joy. I want to fall, I want to give myself. Pain is still there - without the air "cushion".
Later on the arm turned, so that their inner part switched to the outside, the active right arm became the left arm - do something else, I felt, I can do, what I want. Finally I become airy, yet supporting energy, it is what one calls integration or synthesis and I knew it. My arms feel very light, the air is within me and my arms, I am the air. I support myself. A good starts in life. And this was the end of this session.

 
Sessions 16.09.1993

September 16, 1993

A bad beginning is trying to get rid of the desire to feel something "surprising." I felt shame and helplessness.
Then there is a figure N 1 is repeated - I still want to wonder and I am still ashamed to want it. Efficiency is the German disease, but I can not get rid of the desire to feel "it."
My mouth starts to open, and I have a tickling feeling in my throat. I understand: "Again, this is an autonomic cold. I don't want to catch a cold. I know it is the result of spasms. Then I felt a slight tickle in my stomach area. That's all.
The hands are still as the air forms. I thought about the theory of empty forms as a manifestation of the yin-yang: my hands and the energy around them  is the same thing. Therapy of empty forms - and I became empty.
My headbone is opened, and some wire from many spirals inserted in my head. (Figure N1). It is something like a car, it happens something technical with me. Something is very particular in size and shape was attached to my head. Then, this wire has penetrated into my body, went through the spine, and got out through the vagina.
It was very natural feeling, and I remembered from biology, that the "mouth" and "asshole" - is the same.
Metaphorically, this is the basic model.
And I thought - here is the solidity of the top and base, unity, to which I had so long aspired. And I realized that people can think, feel by whole their bodies.

I feel myself as I became cold and sick. Then some points begin to vibrate (red points in figure N1), gathering energy.

I feel that my forehead begins to unfold — that part, where it was the intension. At first the ring is appeared around my head and then one more rings are appeared - such rings, which the smoker of cigars lets out. A certain energy pulls spasms out of my nose (figure N 3)
Empty bodies are painful. And I thought that the pain is there because the empty forms don't perform their functions, don't do what is they reserve for.
I feel pain in the eyes and under the eyes. Then these areas start to vibrate, and the pain gradually disappears.
Then, the ring of ''smoke'' is appeared again around my face like a spiral, coming of nowhere. (Figure N 2). In the end I felt a sharp pain in my back, at one place. Later, Ludmila said it were lungs.

 
Sessions 17.09.1993


LUDMILLA Nr. 3,     September 17th 1993
1-st: my ax right eye starts turning in an angle of exactly 90 degrees. Then it stopped, it felt dark and like a kind of humid velvet. The eye "becomes stringed on a string and now together with my other sense organs, (fig. 1) My head seemed at the same time to be split in two parts (fig. 2) which later on I thought fit together like lying and yang. A little scars but a growing feeling of confidence.
2nd: My head starts to be twisted open, just the exact way you twist a glass open, a point between my eyebrows starts to vibrate. A pleasant feeling, I feel released. The hands start swelling with the warm and airy energy, I feel relaxed. The inner areas next to both sides of my nose are activated, which is this feeling of vibration and movement. I see a strong violet light in circles in front of me. The two points on ray shoulders and one on top of my head seem to connect to a triangle in the middle of which my head is placed, (fig. 3)
3rd:  The new place is the back, a warm and then burning energy icy vibrating (fig. 4) and at the same time my whole bacitf felt like a pattern with diagonal stripes. And also more than a pattern, a plan, like a board to play something upon it. The outer frame is defined by the already known 2 points at the shoulders and the bottom. The energy runs within this field and in sick sack lines (fig. 4).
4th: I feel like I am three persons like a puppet within a puppet, though not that solid, more like these persons are shaped by their energy, they don’t have a "solid" skin (fig. 5).
5th: In fig. 6 I feel like the bed of a river and the energy is running just through me. The shape of the body really feels like the shape of the half of a tube, physically this feels very strange, because to get there I was flattened out, like you do when you make cookies, like paste. A different way of a physical projection or representation еasily done by a computer simulation. Often times I feel resemblance with processes of measuring and engineering, sometimes it feels like an operation. Sight here I was flattened out to be a tube.
In fig. 7 I get transformed from the head of a river more into a chariot and start thinking this is what the old Egyptians are representing, also this formal strictly symmetrical representation of the body. I feel like chariots, and still flattened out. At the same time the process which happened in the first step takes place again, I feel like an Egypt drawing and a chariot and a mummy. All the transformations feel very smooth and gentle. Never do I get hurt and it is strange to think that all these transformations are not painful and also not very surprising, they are funny and exciting.
The end: fig.8 shows my head in a floating organization, with all the relevant parts of my former diseases are taken apart - just like you disassemble a motor. They are in a state of readjustment, and every part floats like en a little cloud. Dirt is drawn. Pulled out of the nose.

 
Сеанс 18.09.1993

18сентября 1993 г.

Мягкий, но вполне определенный вихрь погружается в мою грудную клетку. Что-то проникло сквозь меня и вышло через спину. Эта дыра была не «просверлена»; мои ткани очень мягко, безболезненно, как бы, раздвинулись.
В другом сюжете я вижу четыре выдвинутых друг из друга части, похожие на пыльные, черно-бархатные глыбы, которые медленно вращаются (дрейфуют). Они как будто покрыты черным пигментом, и как будто целиком состоят из этой несвязной тонкой пыли. Они вращаются, и их вращение похоже на шлифовальные движения и опрокидывание, наподобие перчатки, которую постоянно снимают и снова надевают. (фигура № 2)
Точки становятся все заметнее и начинают разделяться. Нитяной крест протягивается сквозь мою грудную клетку, со скважиной в центре (фигура № 3).
Моя грудная клетка делится на четыре глыбы, как куски пирога, которые потом превращаются в световые лучи., проходящие световыми трубами сквозь мое тело.(фигура № 1)
Потом я вижу линейку с кнопкой и квадратом посередине; она измеряет расстояние между чем-то напоминающим две раскрытых половинки пасхального яйца., я узнаю, что это мои доли легких (фигура № 4). Но они чувствуют себя иначе. У линейки есть регулирующий центр, как штанген-циркуль в архитектуре. Обе части ощутимы как две половины капсул. Процесс измерения, центрирования, давления – все это производит определенное впечатление – и я подумала тогда о внушении. Моя грудь временами становится тяжелой, она давит на меня.
Теперь образуется новый центр разреза, я складываюсь поперек, как коробка, (фигура № 5), и оказываюсь под верхней половиной грудной клетки. Казалось, что я похожа на мумию.
Все это казалось отчужденным, но не пугающим, не чувствовалось боли.
Потом я смотрю на мою собственную верхнюю часть тела, и из моих мозговых и прилегающих пазух вытягивается «отложение». Отчетливо ощущается освобождение всей дыхательной системы. Я чувствую благодарность и счастье (фигура № 6).
Потом я вижу сверху крылоподобные доли легких, похожие на эллипсы и цветочные листья, как красивые математические фигуры, изгибы, углы, кресты – как элегантные уравнения. (фигура № 7)
Наконец, начинается новое измерение, слева от меня, проекция моего тела в огромной наклонной плоскости. Чувствую веселье – вырастаю до гигантских размеров, и кажется, что в этом нет ничего необычного – на наклонной плоскости мои ноги парят на самом верху. Пропорции тела изменяются, размеры тела становятся все больше. Чувствую себя «накаченной» энергией, и одновременно плоской, как на рисунке № 6.

 
Sessions 24.09.1993


LUDMILA Nr. 5    September 24-th, 1993
Beginning: getting energy, starting from the fingertips through the arms; arms and especially hands start feeling warm,- and enlarged, like 'the’; were growing, they tickle and feel ready of doing something, a vibrating energy’s air around becomes an active and supporting element, an energy. Same process then starting, from the toes through the legs. A very strong and vibrating feeling. Relaxing.


2nd: The metaphor or "name" of this process reveals itself now in physical terms: my body appears, as a magnet, a magnetic iron in horseshoe-shape (fig. 1). As If my body streamlines itself into the most pregnant shape for this constellation, a "classical" gestalt. A strong tension pulls something out of me, out of the hands and the feet, like strings of energy. The Word "connected" becomes evident in a physical stream.
3rd: I start feeling that there are kinds of BASIC FIGURATIONS
to relate to this energy – whichever it might be - by physical symbolization of relating. The first one today was the horseshoe. The second one is very clear as well, but I don't have the expression: I have been like a laser which completely defines my physical shape and builds a sculpture ever it as if I was a ground plan of a building, this building up seems indefinite endless and dynamic like if it's hundreds of cards are layered on top of each other (figured).
4th: the third figure (see fig. 3)
5th:  A growing pressure on my forehead. Then it started "cracking" vertically - along the center line of the body (spinal line). My head started to be peeled open starting from the middle axis to the sides, peeled into many layers. Felt strange, unfamiliar, I felt somewhat scared. In some ways the correct description would be to say that I became a flower. I could see silvery-gray-white layers. Like liquid metal, too, but it did not feel hot or wet.
Later on a little figure came out of this open head and seemed to fly. Now there is the beginning of a strange cycle: I see  metamorphoses of beings, within ay tiny part of a second everything is changing and evolving out of each other I see this figure becoming a woman on a horse riding through an old train station, but through the air, she becomes a herd of antelopes, the head of an antelope appear, an ancient throne from the side swirls through the air, a mountain of sand, a shuffle, an Egyptian worker from ancient times. And then the journey takes off to outer space and the head of a being appears: it has a head which has a "skin" out of solar cells which are like diamonds, with innumerous facets, it looks ( a little stiff and mechanic, but the radiation seems breathe taking. It disappears immediately. The "journey" goes back to "earth", later on the scary head of a crocodile with its teeth passes by - life in an Egyptian rivers.

2 - LUDMILA Nr. 5  The journey "ends" and physical sensations at the right hip begin. Slight feeling of pain, also starting in ray right abdomen (fig. 5).
Then something very strange: I feel like a bullet within a pistol, but I am also the pistol in form of the bullet. I become accelerated and I'm shot through a channel like a rocket. The most peculiar thing is where the energy comes from. I could not reflect how I could be accelerated without moving and without an outer energy - now I know: like "beaming" in the old startreck to-series. Exactly like it, but in a more philosophical expressions. The actual gestalt is part of the structure. I’m fling through a tunnel and that's it.
I feel a little tired and think, that's enough for today. At the end there is a little tickling at my chin at the spot where I have some acne and I smile because of this extra "cosmetic" little treatment. I open my eyes and Ludmila comes in to say it's time to get up.

 
Сеанс 25.09.1993 PDF Print E-mail
Written by Administrator   
Monday, 01 August 2011 10:16

 

25 cентября 1993 г.

Ничего не движется, я ощущаю, что сегодня мне сложнее раскрыться. Это связано с чисткой. Долгое время спокойно лежу с наслаждением.
Постепенно теплеют руки, радость от приливающейся энергии. Затем все то же самое происходит с ногами; во всем теле приятное ощущение.
Тело начинает легко двигаться, налево, направо, потом – вверх, легко и медленно.
Потом появляются картины, много картин, которые возникают на доли секунды, а затем распадаются, как в калейдоскопе, поток картин – непрерывный. Последующие картины несут в себе что-то ужасное, разрушительное, некоторые из них очень мрачные, темные.
Я вижу два пня на заболоченной равнине; затем болото между ними раздвигается, и постепенно появляется пенообразное существо, контуры которого расплывчаты и нечетки.
Вращающееся движение, очертания сначала неясные, потом становятся четче, и затем рассыпаются (вид сверху).
Все более глубокий оползень погружается в недра земли – я заживо погребена. Под землей в следующее мгновение возникает шахта, через которую на огромном расстоянии видно очень чистый свет. Внезапно я встаю, быстро поднимаюсь в невидимом лифте, но недостаточно высоко, чтобы достичь света. Я воспринимаю нечетко, после нескольких попыток, этот переход в свет.
Мертвая хищная птица лежит на земле.
Потом передо мной открываются огромные пасти, и мне кажется, что сейчас меня съедят. Сначала это неприятное ощущение, но потом позволяю все-таки проглотить себя целиком. Так я прохожу между зубов во рту огромной рыбы. Из глотки меня смывает вниз, и я выскакиваю через заднее отверстие в море. Этот процесс повторяется в более-менее устрашающих вариациях длительное время. Мне понятно, что это похоже на сказку с какими-то архетипическими образами. Я пытаюсь запомнить переживания, но многое не узнаю. Снова пустой трон вращается в воздухе. Затем что-то снова наподобие лифта – высоко прикрученное – и ощущение, что улетаю.
Много различных зверей – утки с огромными пастями, снова намек на возможность быть съеденной. По лугу стремительно бегает черный бык. Людмила входит в комнату, и мне хочется, чтобы она не уходила, потому что бык – это отчасти – я, пытается на нее напасть. Людмила идет быстро, и я успокаиваюсь.
Звери, вода, летают и умирают, в пестрой последовательности, часто только на доли секунды.
Позже мое тело летит по комнате как авианосец, как сложенный бумажный самолет. Удивляюсь угловатости моего тела, мне кажется оно забавным (фигура № 1).
Возвращение и концентрация на моем лежащем теле. Появляется тупое и интенсивное давление в области таза сзади, но изнутри. Я знаю это уже из последнего (сессионного) цикла. Это тупое давление, которое постепенно поднимается вдоль по позвоночнику. Временами  появляется давление в голове (фигура № 2).
Потом левым глаз слипается, я пытаюсь его открыть, но у меня не получается. От глаза тянется к зубу связующая линия. Давление с легкой болью.
Давление в области таза возрастает, и наконец, как будто открывается тело лежа на спине, как две створки дверей. (фигура № 3). Сегодня произошла одна неприятно удивительная история. Потом свободное состояние позвоночника, и я удивляюсь – ведь я не рыба, которую так просто можно нарезать. Потом меня режут, и остается позвоночник, и голова на нем. Позвоночник с ребрами, который потом превращается в следующую картину. Ребра складываются наверх и превращаются в закрытую трубу, образующую канал; потом они снова открываются. Очень странное ощущение (фигура № 4). Потом получается бабочка.
Наконец, я вижу, как ребра переходят друг в друга. Я превращаюсь в скелет рыбы, той, которая меня постоянно проглатывала. Это обратное движение я не могу описать иначе, как бесконечное перевертывание, как с перчаткой, которая на руке, и во всех направлениях. В течение всего периода я совершаю вращательные движения. Мне кажется, что я сама предмет для демонстрации, мне не нужен никакой другой материал, чтобы все эти превращения вспомнить. Все состояния познаваемы.
В завершении, из меня выходят, как при родах, частицы фекалий, из меня выплывает река, по которой плывет маленькая утка, утенок, который меня тоже может проглотить.
После появления утки тело как-будто закрывается, оно снова приобретает приятную расслабленность. Потом приходит Людмила, и это конец.

 
Sessions 10.10.1993

Session 1; COLOGNE, October 10th, 10:00 - 10:45 AM
The axis of the way I was lying on bed shifted towards the right and I had the feeling of getting dragged through the wall. Then I felt the air starting to move just like Ludmila always used to do it moving her hands across me back and forth. Then, not for the first time, I had the feeling to be a kind of fish or, more exact, to be cut open like a fish that is getting to be eaten, (fig la,lb) I was opened sideways and got the impression that another being inside me was getting peeled off. This little being then got then out, like a tiny embryo, dark pink and tender. It was a positive feeling, yet quite vulnerable and the peeled skin left me a bit uncomfortable.
The skin then was rolled up almost like a carpet or opened like a can of Sardines (fig. 2). The end of the cut was just at my left eye, which is my sad eye. Then the energy began to focus on this left eye; on and around it the energy became very heavy, like stone or metal. The left eye felt heavy and sad. After that I experienced an analogy of forms (fig. 3). The inner formation of my face was similar to those of my inner genital forms - my eyes were my "babies", my fertility - and the one closer to the heart is the sadder one. Soon I felt very cold, and despite all the blankets and the heating being on, I was freezing and shivering. I did altogether felt so concentrated as when Ludmila is actually present in the room. I thought about this and that and felt that when I started to concentrate on what was just happening I began to relax physically and mentally as well. So I concentrated on the above described analogy of eyes, heart, lungs and head. At the end then I felt like Goethe's prototype of the basic idea of a plant (fig. 4)

 
Сеанс 27.11.1993 PDF Print E-mail
Written by Administrator   
Monday, 01 August 2011 09:59

Session 4: Marfa, Saturday, Nov. 27th 1993, 8:00 AM
A general cleaning session: I could feel all the "dirt" getting pulled out
of me, out of my nose and my head predominantly. Then my head was opened up
frontal and like leaved pushed aside (fig. la, lb) and I saw a little being
in there.
At the beginning I felt air that was a little colder being moved around with
LUDMILA movements and I recognized her.
The session felt like a general activation treatment.

 

Last Updated on Monday, 01 August 2011 10:06
 
Сеанс 28.11.1993 PDF Print E-mail
Written by Administrator   
Monday, 01 August 2011 10:07

 

Session 5: Marfa, Sunday, Nov. 28th 1993, 1:15 - 2:15 PM.
I was not very concentrated and sleep slipfflinto the beginning for a few and
short times. Then I could feel the warmth raising from my feet and from my hands.
One point of pain on my right lower back, some work on my face.(fig 1)
Moving energy through my body like the form of a brace (fig. 2)
Then again treatment of my saj left eye. And, sometimes related to that a pain
in the palm of my foot. (fig. 3)
Treatment of the sad eye: I felt the energy rotating around it and vibrating
it like with waves. That made the sadness be felt even stronger because the
eye was kind of stiff and "dead", and not alive and active.
During all the time of this session^ the work concentrated on the sad eye,
trying to regenerate it. One time it felt like being two bodies, one slightly
moved towards the left, from my perspective, like to patterns, transparent
sheets (fig. 4)
Then from the eye-treatment a teeth-treatment starts and first all the upper
row and later all lower row teeth felt like being cleaned, like something was
Pulled out of them. That hurt like being at the dentist and getting an allover
treatment. Then I had a vision of big teeth, first they were black, then they
were white. Animals with teeth, mouth open to bite, dangerous teeth.
Saw a tiger and felt like this tiger. Thought of aggression = biting. Then I
Thought that that must have to do with the sad eye. And that was the end.

 
Sessions 24.01.1994

Session 8, MARFA, January 24-th, 22:30 - 23:30 1994    Regina
For quite a while I felt nervous and only step by step started to concentrate and qualm down.
Then an image of my body came up and it was the image of a chariot or a wagon with the typical joints (fig.1). I realized that those joints which connect different parts to a whole actually were my weak points. This is actually true since my hip joints are somewhat degenerated by nature, I cut of this I developed an experience: everything is there, but the connection or, where generally, the translation, does not work properly. Shifting fears to adapt to the current pace and environment. During the session I felt very comfortable all over and started to feel a strong heat and energy in my feet.

 

 



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